InsaneJournal

I am numb. I'm waiting to find out in some way that Sirius is actually dead. We buried Mr. Rodolophus Lestrange this month, buried Georgie last year, buried Regulus (Sirius would say that wasn't him buried but it does make me feel better knowing that Regulus has somewhere to actually physically rest).. How many more?

How many more houses will burn? How many more women will be made widows? How many children will be without a parent? How many more friends will die?

Perhaps Sirius just ran away.. I know it's extremely uncharacteristic of him but perhaps. Maybe with his brunette lady friend.. Hestia. I haven't seen her on the journals either, though she may be warding as most of us do.

I've been reading past correspondence between Regulus and I, and Sirius and I. It brings back such memories..

I wish

I wish they were both with me now. That Sirius could have managed to peek into our wedding, that he could've come to my debutante ceremony and danced with me. That I would now be a married woman, given birth to my first child and be having playdates with Daphne and Draco.

What have I done to warrant such pain and death around me? Perhaps I wasn't good enough of a person. Perhaps because my heart does not lie with a particular side has been what has affected me so much.. that I will never really be whole.

Regulus represented the Cause for me.. He was so devoted and his loyalty was unfaltering. Not only this but he loved his family and would've made a wonderful husband. Sirius represented the.. the possibilities. His stubborn ways always made me think twice, and while I knew that he chose to be there, and that I belonged here, he managed to change my thoughts, deviating it just a little from the average socialite, and that little deviation has dragged me so far from the norm.

I am a changed person. That I cannot continue to ignore.

But I am but a girl, what could there be that I could do?

What do I even want?

Oh Sirius, please don't be dead. Not you too.